GETTING TO THE “BOTTOM” OF CHARLIE…….

To say that Jerry and I are dog lovers is an understatement…….

We actually do NOT own a  dog…..

Jerry and I have a “BABY”……..

Charlie, as I tell people, is a little white and brown King Charles Cavalier Spaniel………

……BUT

Daddy was a “roving” Pekingese….

Oh, he is so homely, he’s cute!

Brown and white body……

Black, brown and white face with little brown freckles across his smushed nose…..

Short flippy ears and a bushy tail that flips up over his back……

We rescued Charlie from the local pound when he was three months old…..

Nearly 6 years later, he’s become our “BABY”…..

……And Jerry and I are completely RIDICULOUS….

When Jerry tells Charlie to go to me, he says,

“GO FIND MAMA……”

When I tell Charlie to go to Jerry, I say,

“WHERE’S YOUR DADDY???”

When I get Charlie a doggie biscuit, I call it a COOKIE……

…….Well, actually, I call it a “TWOOKIE”…….

And….

I also call him my LITTLE MAN……

Well……

I actually call him my “WIDDLE MAN”……..

We both can act really, really silly when it comes to our “BABY”…..

And we both go absolutely crazy with worry when he’s sick……

….Like now….

A week ago, Charlie started to cry…….he started to sit completely still….

….and when he did move…..

It was stiff…..quick…..writhing…….

….And then, he would crouch and pant….

Jerry and I knew that something was seriously wrong…..

We were afraid he had cancer in his back leg…

When we tried to look at his foot, he would fight so fiercely that Jerry would lose his grip and Charlie would scratch him.  It was impossible to hold on to him….

We tried to help him……we’d give him a quarter of an aspirin…..we’d speak lovingly to him……

….Then

We’d worry…….

All this started at the beginning of the weekend…..Our “vet” was not available….

…..Charlie crouched and panted…..and cried…..

….I  prayed..

Monday finally came…

I went to work…

Jerry wrestled Charlie to the truck and headed toward the “vet’s”…….

…..I watched the clock….

Finally, I couldn’t stand it any more…..

I called Jerry….

“Well, I don’t know anything……..he’s back with the vet…..”

Jerry hung up with the promise that he would call when everything was done…..

It felt like an eternity….

Who would have thought that a little brown and white dog would be able to get two seasoned adults wrapped around his tiny paw….

…But he did.

It was an agonizingly long and drawn out hour and a half……

…..But Jerry called back….

“He’s gonna be fine…….It’s not cancer……but he’s pretty sick…..”

To make a long story short, Charlie had a serious skin infection……

….But not on his leg….

..On his butt.

The vet shaved his bum and gave him a shot….

The vet gave Jerry anti-biotic capsuls….and pills to ease the pain…..

….The vet gave Jerry a tube of ointment….

I was relieved to know our “BABY” was not seriously ill and I made it through the day with no further worries…..

And then, I went home…

Charlie looked like someone surgically removed his little bum and replaced it with a baboon’s butt…..

….It was all red and swollen….

And shaved…

….and right out where everyone could see it…

…But with that red rump came quite an attitude change….

Charlie was ticked off….

He was put through something so traumatic…

…No respectable canine should have to go through…..

He was taken to the “Vet”….

He was examined….

He was given a shot….

They shaved his butt….

The proverbial straw broke the camel’s back…..

And he was mad at Mama and Daddy….

Jerry announced that it was time to give Charlie his “meds….”

That seemed harmless enough…

I grabbed a hot dog out of the fridge, like I always  do when I try to give Charlie medicine…..

…One small problem….

Charlie wasn’t having it….

Charlie was going to make us suffer for the horrible “ordeal” we put him through….

..Charlie refused to take the hot dog….

I had to literally pry his mouth open….I pushed to pill down his throat…

….Charlie spit it out….

I pushed it again….

Charlie spit it out again…..

Well, third time’s a charm….

I shoved the pill, then clamped his mouth shut….

Charlie whined….

He swallowed…

The pill was gone.

I was quite satisfied with myself once the second pill was taken care of…..

….BUT

Jerry had other plans….

“You gotta rub the ointment on his butt….”

…..Deer in the head lights….

“I gotta WHAT????”

“You gotta rub that stuff on Charlie’s butt while I hold him…..”

That’s what I thought he said…

“Well….”

“Why do I have to rub the stuff on Charlie’s butt……Why can’t YOU do it????”

Jerry looked at me; disgusted….

“Can you hold Charlie down????”

Well, he got me there….Charlie was a master of escape…

AND he fought like he was fighting the devil himself….

I looked at Charlie’s backside…..

It was swollen……and still looking like a baboon’s butt…..

“Oh, you gotta be KIDDING!!!!”

“Kelly, you’ve got to do it…..”

I held the tube in my hand…..

….I looked at Charlie’s red, swollen, bum…..

“Aw, HELL, are you SURE I gotta do this???”

“Oh Kelly, for God’s sake, will you PUT THE DAMN STUFF ON HIS ASS?????”

I looked down….

Charlie had wiggled his hind paw free and had scratched Jerry’s hand…..

I sighed into submission as I watched the blood dripped down Jerry’s fingers.

He wiped his hand and took a better hold….

I took a deep breath, applied ointment to my fingers….

…and started to rub Charlie’s butt…

Charlie began to writhe in pain…

….I tried to hurry as fast as I can….I was covering all the sores….

….And then, there was only one place left to treat….

….Charlie’s bum hole…”

Oh, how I didn’t want to…

I applied the ointment and started to cover the “effective area”…..

I was beginning to think this wasn’t too bad and I was almost finished….

And then….

The inevitable happened….

Charlie

“fluffed”….

….On

my

finger….

And while he cried in pain….

I howled; completely and totally all grossed out….

I hurried and literally scoured my hands….and applied sanitizer…….

….And bolted out the door and headed for the store..

I couldn’t believe what had happened…

In my life as a mother, I’ve been puked on……peed on……and even pooped on by my children….

BUT

I have NEVER in my life……had to experience doggy “flatulence” on a finger….

As I wandered the asiles at Wal-Mart I wondered if this was going to be worth it…..

I mean….

After all…..there was only so much a person could take….

I pushed the cart and thought about this little brown and white dog…..

Charlie was our BABY…..but he was much more than that….

Charlie took care of Jerry….

While I worked all day,

Charlie and Jerry stayed home….doing yard work…..washing dishes……watching “The Price Is Right”…..

While Jerry napped on the couch, Charlie napped as well, all curled up behind Jerry’s bent knees…

If Jerry or I had been sick…..Charlie laid beside us; keeping watch while we slept….

……Reality set in….

We needed Charlie much more than he needed us….

And so…..

With that in mind…..

The week went on…..

Charlie is now wearing “The Cone of Shame” to prevent him from licking his butt……..

I bought a pill shooter to make giving pills easier…..

Charlie is now eating again….

……I invested in a box of Latex gloves..

So, in the final analysis, It all comes down to this….

1.  Vet exam, shots, meds, shaving Charlie’s butt…………………………… $149.98

2.  One “Cone of Shame, one pill shooter, latex gloves, one doggie brownie to soften the blow of a shaved butt…………$38.94

3.  Unconditional love, but most importantly, the  experience of rubbing ointment on a dog’s butt and getting farted on……………..PRICELESS

…..I can die a happy woman.