TISSUE PAPER TOILET SEAT COVERS……..

Let the rantings of a fat red-head commence…..

I HATE TISSUE PAPER TOILET SEAT COVERS!  I do…..I loathe and despise them.

I try to support the people where I work.   I use the sanitizer in the bathroom and on my desk faithfully.  I use the waste paper basket every day, I wash the dishes in the sink in the break room, BUT I shall refuse to use another tissue paper toilet seat cover……

EVER!

Okay, it seems harsh, but you just have NO idea what can happen in the ladies room when you gotta “go”…….

Evidently, it is encouraged to use these things so that the toilet seats can remain sanitary…..

Sanitary……my ASS!

(No pun intended….)

I was at working at my desk the other day when my brain sent a subtle message,

“Nothing urgent, but the bladder is contemplating a trip down the hall……..”

I worked a few minutes more and decided to take a jaunt down towards the restroom.

Going into one of the stalls, I noticed the box of tissue paper toilet seat covers on the side of the wall.  “Okay,” I said to myself, “Let’s be sanitary and use one of these things….”

…..OH, MY HOLY FUDGE…

The first one I pulled out, I tore right off the bat.  I threw it away and tried again…….

…..and again.

….and again.

FINALLY, after slowing down the process, I managed to pull one out in one piece.  I spread it down over the toilet seat……

…..It slipped off the seat and fell into the bowl.

“Uhm……weren’t we supposed to be doing something in here?” My brain inquired; not real urgent, but a little concerned.   I tried again.  It, too slipped into the toilet bowl.

“CRAP!”

I tried again and decided to hold onto it so it wouldn’t slip into the water.   With my other hand, I started to undress.

“What are you doing??” My brain inquired, “It’s time…..the bladder needs to empty….let’s get this show on the road…”

It started to get serious, now….I REALLY had to go, but here I stood; one hand on the toilet seat trying desperately to keep the tissue paper from sliding into the bowl, the other hand is trying to maneuver my britches over my hind end while my left leg is wrapped around my right leg and I’ve now started doing the “pee-pee” dance.  My brain was not amused…

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? I’ve got the bladder going into stress mode……..it needs to empty……LET’S GO!!!”

FINALLY – pants down sufficiently, I whip around and sit down as fast as I could so that nature could take its course.  Only one problem, though.  The perforations where the tissue is supposed to break so that “stuff” can drop into the water didn’t break.  Now, THAT’s amusing.   Pee has started to spread to the sides of the paper and is getting ready to spill over the edge and  drop into my clothes and onto the floor.  I desperately start to wiggle my butt around to get the perforations to break while my brain is screaming, “OH, PLEASE….OH PLEASE….”

At last, the perforations break just in the nick of time.  My bladder empties…..all is well..

Or so I thought. ..

I finish up the “paper work” and proceed to stand up to pull up my britches:   The damn tissue paper toilet seat cover is now stuck to my butt and the back of my legs.  I now have to reach back and peel it from my body and dispose of it in the bowl…..By now, it’s wet, and coming off in pieces in my hand……

Oh yeah, that’s REAL sanitary…..

I check all clothing for “wet spots”, scour my hands with soap, hot water and disinfectant, and head back to my desk thoroughly disgusted and confused; wondering if I had Freudian issues due to my toilet “trainings” as a child.

I will NEVER use another toilet seat cover.  I won’t.   Plain and simple.  I’ve decided if there really is some “germ-a-phobe” out there that is that damn concerned about the sanitary conditions of my backside they’ll have their own container of anti-bacterial wipes and a can of Lysol spray hidden in their purse to keep them safe.  As for me, it’s not on the high-end of my priority list.  There’s more important things to worry about…..Like……..Tibetan monks fighting for freedom…..Charlie needing his rabies shot……….Jerry running out of Cola…….Will the Mets take the pennant this year……….Yes, there are much more important things to worry about……… It’s funny….that one old saying  really has a lot of truth in it –

It is better to be pissed off than pissed on.